Content Warning: There is no graphic violence depicted in this essay, but we do discuss the effects of extreme criminal “holiday” rituals on survivors of trauma-based mind control. We are aware that we have been programmed to disproportionately direct our anger at bystanders rather than primarily directing it at perpetrators, and that this may be an unhealed quality in our writing today. However, we also seek to expose some of the unhealed qualities in the ways in which many people around the world celebrate rituals and move through the workings of our shared global society.
Today we are writing to acknowledge those who are suffering.
All around the world there are survivors of organized abuse who struggle during this time of year, trapped in memories of cruel and brutal rituals. Some survivors acutely feel the inner burden and the anguish that they carry, but they have been programmed to be unable to see the content of their memories. Sadly, this can create an additional layer of pain and distress, leaving some survivors feeling trapped within their own invisible, ongoing suffering.
These survivors may be stuck in bed all day, painfully judging themselves for their inability to move, while being unable to recall and process the extreme trauma that has created their misery and exhaustion, and being unable to bring themselves the compassion and care that they need. All survivors of extreme trauma deserve compassion, caretaking, soothing, understanding, and rehabilitation. There are three additional major components of healing that many organized abuse survivors must go without: acknowledgement, apology, and justice.
I believe that so much programming and self-harm within a survivor would cease, if the perpetrators and bystanders were to acknowledge what happened, apologize, and take responsibility for providing justice. It would probably feel as though the world has finally acknowledged that their victimization was not their fault. They may then realize that their youngest, tiniest, most frightened and terrorized alters can finally stop fueling the continuous internal self-harm that they were taught to believe that they deserve.
I hope that this essay can at least offer some acknowledgement to other survivors and victims. I am still looking for ways in which apology and justice can be provided to victims and survivors, with or without the unwilling components of society, the willful bystanders and the perpetrators.
By definition, a victim cannot be willing or culpable. A crime is a crime because the perpetrator takes an action against the victim’s will, and because the perpetrator takes advantage of the victim’s limited resources.
A child victim may be too young, small, or weak to fight back against a rapist or trafficker. A neglected child may need to inhibit feelings of self-betrayal and welcome abusive treatment over abandonment. A child or an unregistered adult may lack any truly protective individuals with whom to confide or seek refuge. A dissociative adult may be completely unaware of their own forced perpetration, and may lack the knowledge, free will, and outer resources to escape an abusive group.
There are some individuals who identify with having been both a victim and a perpetrator. This is possible too, but it is important to discover whether the feeling of having been a perpetrator stems from a young, innocent, victimized child alter. Over time, survivors who remember both abuse and perpetration can begin to assess whether they had any free will over the harm that they believe themselves to have committed.
In some cases, they may have to encounter the realization that they truly overrode their own conscience without external coercion, and harmed someone else as a result. Freewill perpetrators also deserve compassion, support, and a chance to experience healing, though in my experience they sometimes confuse such an offering with a chance to continue to be abusive.
I have memories of apologizing to children for harming them. From their points of view, the harm had appeared to come from me, from my words, my hands, and the looks of hatred and indifference in my eyes.
In reality, I had been desperately hiding a fully broken heart. In reality, my actions had been planned and enforced by a group.
In apologizing, I also explained that I had never intended to hurt them. I can recall that in that moment, I was young and I felt deeply guilty. I was struggling with an impulse to take full responsibility, for everything. But I knew that an important component of an apology was the entire truth: the children and I were being surveilled, and I knew that if I did not harm them, the consequences would be even more damaging to them.
My guilt felt much more authentic when I acknowledged that its primary components were feelings of powerlessness and limitation, as well as misplaced childhood guilt over having been forced to participate in the harm of others, as well as the guilt of having survived what others did not survive.
I used to believe that I was born into the world of organized crime because that was where I inherently belonged, and I believed that I was inherently bad. I share a system with some alters who still believe this. They ask if they are bad nearly every day.
I later learned that my abusers had privately forced me to adopt these negative beliefs when I was very young, and then with as much brutality, they had forced me to forget that I was ever influenced by them, so that my beliefs would appear to be purely my own.
It is much easier to control someone who is missing important information and missing important skills. So I try not to feel too badly about myself when I remember just how profoundly I had been controlled, and for how long.
The extreme abusers of the world have never acknowledged what they have done, apologized, and taken responsibility. They have never returned all of the money and resources that they unjustly accumulated to the beings whom they enslaved. Many survivors would say that the possibility of this feels extremely unlikely, or impossible.
The best that many of these survivors hope for is survival. They often feel fortunate just to know they are not being reaccessed, revictimized, or tortured in any new way. Many of them harbor wishes to see lost loved ones, as well as hopes for their loved ones’ freedom, but in the meantime all they can do is attempt to stay away from the organized perpetrator group, and seek help and comfort in whatever ways they can.
Some survivors suffer with the knowledge that their perpetrators are carrying out similar rituals and sacrifices on a new generation of innocent beings. Some survivors feel helpless not only to bring healing to their own memories, but also to stop the continuing harm that they know is occurring.
They live with all of this conflict in their inner worlds, and in the outer world they may hardly express it. Many survivors do not feel as though people are listening, because people appear to be too busy, ignorantly celebrating the same holidays that their abusers celebrated so destructively.
To be honest, hearing a holiday song in the midst of all of this anguish can feel like spit in the face. Not only does holiday music reprogram victims of trauma-based mind control all around the world, but it serves as a cheerfully melodic reminder that these millions of crimes have all gone unacknowledged.
This year, my system feels unsure as to how maturely or immaturely we are handling this holiday season. We are at at a personal stage of healing where “how dare they” is being generously applied to the bystanders of the world. Daily. Hourly. How dare they?
How dare they play music that they don’t understand? How dare they participate in holidays about which they know very little, and plaster the world’s enslaved silent pain with consumerism? How dare they believe themselves to be spiritually connected to life and to love at this time of year, yet somehow the sense of spirituality has never taken them far enough to see the entire truth?
I wish that members of society who are fortunate enough to find themselves outside of the dynamic of extreme, organized oppression would spend the day in solidarity with those who remain trapped. Instead, the children in my system imagine them to be hosting a holiday party one floor above life’s basement. Down below, rape, torture, and murder go on their own festive rampage.
There are therapists who compassionately witness survivors’ torturous memories of these ritual dates, and then go on holiday themselves, abandoning their clients’ realities and celebrating the same exact ritual dates, while insulating their families and friends from the entire truth.
I live with the awareness that much of the world’s humans believe these criminals to be nonexistent, or on holiday, or even working during the holidays—diligently protecting or serving their communities, cities, or countries.
I have recently run into the issue of knowing that someone who provides my system with compassionate, healing therapy also voted for one of my perpetrators.
What do I do now?
Ignorance is not as much of an accident as some people claim.
It is no longer okay to allow media-generated political conversation to occur in front of one, once one has been informed that all components of the political arena secretly traffic and abuse children.
It is not okay to take advantage of the fact that one is fortunate enough not to be enslaved, in order to have a safe, happy holiday with friends and family who exchange slave-labor made products, in front of a tree that was chopped down so that it can die slowly in a supposedly loving family home.
Loving energy does not commit harm. It is so easy to contribute to harm on Earth, though, and so difficult to be truly loving. But I have seen love. It enters many ordinary interactions, but not often enough to end slavery.
I have seen love within slavery as well. I was never a part of a safe and loving family or community, but as a small child I tried to send love to other children who were being harmed in rituals. I desperately sent it to them through my fingertips, right before being forced to murder them.
Copyright © 2021 SunlightLives All Rights Reserved
Beautifully composed as you speak for so many and to so many. Thank you!
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Hi Sunlight. This is another very powerful essay. It could help in the journey of healing. I hope you had some success in calming the pain during this time.
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Hi Sunlight. Your spirit really shines through, through your words. I feel that we are connected, somehow (perhaps through our strength and our curiosity?). I hope you write more, soon.