Content Warning: There is no graphic violence depicted in this essay, but we do discuss the effects of extreme criminal “holiday” rituals on survivors of trauma-based mind control. We are aware that we have been programmed to disproportionately direct our anger at bystanders rather than primarily directing it at perpetrators, and that this may be…

Help Me Help You Help Me

Because of the way that my programmers assaulted me, attacked my health, and deliberately injured and limited my body, my physical balance isn’t very good. I am working on restoring it by noticing the moments that require balance and being gentle about my physical limitations, not pushing past what I can safely do, and by…

The Little Otter

A Deprogramming Story for Alters of Any Age This story is written for personalities of any age, though the youngest may need help with some of the vocabulary words. There are some depictions of abuse in the section called Shadows, which can be skipped if needed. Instead, child alters can offer their own examples of…

Oh, Betrayal

Oh, it does hurt. I had written about betrayal several days ago, and in doing so, I seem to have deepened my connection to the memory of betrayal, just by telling it that I sense it is there, and I sense we are not yet together. I have sat closer with it, and given it…


I think at first I was too young to understand that anything could be anyone’s fault. I just experienced a long sequence of unnatural pains. Then, when I was born, and I found myself living in a separate body that could be abandoned, approached, and even invaded, I began to witness the difference between cause…


There is something about lately that makes me want to write an essay that is not about programming, trauma-based mind control, and slavery. As I begin, I am not sure if I can even do this, because all of these realities still exist within me today, and they exist in so many others all around…

Cleaning the Kitchen

Content Warning: This essay contains graphic depictions of group rape, violence, and torture, as well as descriptions of child loss, shame, and specific programming practices. I have been in a continuous state of suffering since my inception. While it may be difficult for some people to believe that this is possible—and while there may be…

Programmed Voices

I am starting to realize how much daily interaction I still have with my abusers, even though on the outside, I appear to live a life in which I only interact with a relatively small group of kind, safe beings. I interact with friends. I interact with a support system. I interact with the many…


There is so much more that we would say, if we felt fully safe. Tonight, we are wishing that we could tell you our names, and that we could learn yours. Tonight we are wishing that nobody needed to hide from anybody. Tonight, we are reexperiencing moments that broke us apart and made us strangers.…

To My Children

My Dear Ones I miss you. I think about you every day. My heart hurts, and I wonder how much your hearts hurt. Part of why I work so hard to remember, is so that I can remember you. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe. I don’t know if anywhere out there…


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